


Your Petals Are My Thorns

by theshyauthor



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Prompt Fill, Religion, Satanism, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smut, Underage Smoking, christian!Dan, punk!phil, satanic!Phil, the underage is because they are both in High School
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-20 12:22:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8248754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshyauthor/pseuds/theshyauthor
Summary: Dan likes flowers. That’s why he grows them on his thighs whenever he has forbidden thoughts about other men. When Phil comes into his life, Dan’s small garden grows into a field.Prompt: Christian!Dan punish himself by cutting a flower on his leg every time he has a gay thought. He has been able to keep it low-key up until this point, but when KindaSatanic!Phil shows up, Dan grows a hole garden on his leg. Will Phil be able to save Dan before it is to late?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Your Petals Are My Thorns](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9672419) by [irni_mak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/irni_mak/pseuds/irni_mak)



> I saw this prompt on phanfic.tumblr.com and I really liked it a lot. Hope you enjoy. :) x

Dan likes flowers. He likes the way they smell, he likes the way their petals feel on his skin, all smooth and soft like satin. He likes them in all shapes and colours, and he likes to carve them into his skin. There’s a small garden growing on the inside of his thighs, most flowers faded, only two still red. Sometimes he wishes he could choose the colour of the flowers growing on his thighs, make them colourful like the rainbow. Those flowers on his thighs, they are there to remind him to be a good son, a good Christian, because sometimes Dan likes to look at boys the way he looks at flowers, and sometimes he likes the way boys smell when they walk by, and sometimes he wonders what their hair or skin would feel like under the touch of his fingers, if it would be all smooth and soft like satin. Sometimes Dan thinks about boys like he thinks about flowers, can’t help but notice that they are beautiful. But Dan is a man, and men don’t find other men beautiful because it’s wrong and a sin. Dan wants to be a good son, both for his parents and for God, and that’s why every time he dares to think of boys like flowers, he punishes himself by carving a flower on the inside of his thighs. 

“Dan, honey, dinner is ready,“ his mother calls for him from downstairs, and Dan puts away his pen to take a break from homework. Before they start eating, his family holds hands and prays. Before Dan goes asleep that night, he kneels down before his bed, folds his hands and prays to the wooden cross above his nightstand. With every prayer, he has the phantom feeling of the flowers on his thighs tingling. Dan sees it as a sign of God’s forgiveness for his sins.   
___

The new student comes on a cold and rainy Monday in November. His hair is black and his uniform slightly rumpled, the tie around his neck lose. The teacher introduces him as Phil Lester, and when Phil has to say a few words about himself Dan spots the glistening telltale sign of a piercing on his tongue. He sits at the back of the class. Dan carves a flower into his thigh that night before praying and going to sleep. 

Phil becomes popular quickly. He’s a trouble maker. Dan hears the whispered conversations about how Phil’s sometimes seen smoking, and about how his skin is apparently covered in tattoos hidden under the white shirt and blazer of his school uniform. He’s also smart, challenges the teachers, likes to call them out. Dan feels uncomfortable whenever Phil gets into a discussion, hunches his shoulders and tries not to look back at the boy as the teacher gets redder in the face every second. The insides of his thighs tingle uncomfortably.   
___

On Sundays Dan goes to church with his family and occasionally after that he likes to visit the bookshop on the other side of town. His parents don’t like it that he likes to read non-religious books. They’ve taken away his books in the past, so when he leaves church he excuses himself by saying he wants to go to the park. It’s not a lie, because he’ll visit the park before going to the bookshop. It’s just only half the truth. He keeps the books he buys hidden under his bed and only reads them when he knows he’s alone. 

The employees here know him and greet him with a smile. Dan immediately makes his way to the supernatural section. Lately he’s become interesting in werewolf stories, and he searches for the second part of the book he’s finished just last Wednesday. His parents would probably send him to a religious boarding school if they knew he reads books about humans turning into creatures at full-moon. Either that or they would kick him out with just the clothes he’s wearing on his back. 

So invested in finding the book he’s searching for, fingers grazing over the spines of them as he does so, Dan doesn’t notice that he’s suddenly not standing alone in front of the supernatural section anymore.

“You’re in my class, aren’t you? It’s Dan, right?“ 

Dan startles at the voice and looks up, eyes wide. At first glance he only sees tattoos on pale skin and black clothes, but then his eyes travel up further to meet Phil’s eyes. Dan quickly straightens up, every muscle tense. His hair is ruffled even more than at school and he’s close enough for Dan to see the flecks of yellow around his irises in his blue eyes. 

“I- uhm, yeah,“ Dan stumbles over his words, less eloquent than he usually speaks, “yes, I’m Dan.“

Dan can’t stop staring. The pale skin. The high cheekbones. Phil has a beauty that could have been the subject of a painting hanging in the Louvre next to the Mona Lisa, or maybe even immortalised in stone standing next to the venus of milo.

“Like what you see?“ Those words are said in a teasing tone, and Dan’s face heats up at the question. He’s caught. He’s caught and he can’t answer, his throat’s constricting. But if he could answer, the answer would be yes. He likes what he sees. He likes the way one side of Phil’s lips quirks up into a smirk. Dan looks away. Apparently that’s answer enough for Phil. 

“So what book are you searching for?“ Phil asks and bows down, before pulling out a book from the shelf. Dan’s eyes fall on the cover. It’s the one he’s been looking for, the sequel to the one he’s just finished. When Phil straightens up, Dan notices the necklace that has fallen out of the neck of his t-shirt by bending forward, and his heart starts to hammer wildly in his chest. It’s the Sigil of Baphomet, the official symbol of Satanism. Dan takes a step back. The cross hidden under his white shirt feels like it’s burning into the skin of his chest. His skin feels like it’s on fire. Another step back. Is he just imagining it or is the world spinning? Another step back. Phil asks him if he’s okay with a worried expression on his face that Dan never sees because his eyes are glued to the pendant, but Dan can’t answer. Instead he turns around and runs out of the shop. 

At dinner, Dan can’t look his parents in the eyes. That night, Dan grows two flowers on his thighs, and he watches as blood mixes with water and washes down the drain. It doesn’t stop him thinking about Phil.  
___

Dan considers going to confession after Phil starts initiating conversations with him. He knows that his classmates are staring at them when Phil talks to him, because almost no one talks to Dan. Dan’s the kid that keeps quiet in class, he’s the one who always wears a cross around his neck and goes to church on Sundays. What would Phil, the boy with tattoos that smokes possibly want from him? As it turns out, he wants to talk to Dan about books. Dan tries to shut the conversation down, but Phil doesn’t seem bothered by that. He catches Dan in the hallways to talk to him, he asks him to have lunch with him, Phil even picks him as the first person to be on his football team in P.E.. When class is over, Dan is quick to change into his uniform and leave the changing room before Phil even manages to get his shirt off. The temptation to stare at his chest a second time would be too big and he’s slowly running out of space for the flowers on his thighs. 

At first Dan tries to distance himself from Phil. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. He smokes. He has tattoos and a piercing. He’s pretty, and almost worse than that, he’s a Satanist. Dan remembers when his parents told him about a satanic ritual in details for the first time, how he had cried himself to sleep for a week after that. But Phil doesn’t allow Dan to shake him off, and without even realizing it, Dan slowly lets his guard down around him and they spend every lunch time together. The garden on Dan’s thighs is steadily growing.

“Why are you doing this?“ Dan asks Phil one day during lunch. They are sitting under a tree outside so that Phil can smoke, even though it’s a cold day in mid-December and the bench is wet. 

“Why am I doing what?“ 

“Being so interested in me? Talking to me? Picking me for your football team even though you know I suck at sports.“

Phil takes a drag of his cigarettes and shrugs his shoulders. 

“At my old school I wasn’t that popular. I was the weird kid, the one no one ever wanted to be spending time with or group with for projects. There were ugly rumours going around school about me and my family. That’s why we moved, actually. I guess I just noticed how no one really talked to you. I saw you have lunch by yourself. And when I asked about you, all people could really tell me was that you’re religious. And I know how it feels when everyone keeps their distance, so I wanted to get to know you.“

Dan wonders if the rumours were about Phil’s religion. 

“Besides that, you’re pretty cute.“

Shifting uncomfortably, Dan stares off into the distance and doesn’t answer. You’re cute as well. He’s horrified at how much he wants to reply with those words, but he stays quiet. Phil chuckles next to him, a soft and deep sound, before complaining about their English teacher. Dan carves two flowers into his left thigh that night, deeper than usual, their stalks intertwined.   
___

The first time Dan wakes up in the morning with an erection after a dream about Phil is when he starts praying the rosary every night. It takes thirty minutes and his knees ache on the cold hard floor. He visits the church during weekdays now too, spends hours there with his head bowed and praying to God that he will take his bad thoughts away. His dad tells him that he’s proud of Dan for his increased dedication to their religion, and in the same breath he changes topics and talks with Dan’s mother about the celebrity that came out the same day, calling him a fag. Dan lowers his eyes to his plate in shame. 

There are so many flowers on Dan’s thighs now that the fabric of his trousers irritates them with every step Dan takes and when he sits down, he needs to hold back a hiss at the sting. He sometimes wonders how long it will take until the punishment helps keep the bad thoughts off his mind, but then Phil will stroll over to his desk and rest the palm of his hands on it and ask Dan how his weekend was, and Dan knows that today is not the day.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil invites him over to his house on a Thursday and Dan decides to accept. He’s been out in town with him a few times now, always making sure to go to place where his parents would never spot them. They wouldn’t approve of Phil, not even without the tattoos and piercing and smoking cigarettes, because there’s still the necklace hidden under his clothes, the one that he always wears just like Dan wears his cross, the Sigil of Baphomet. 

Dan doesn’t know what to expect from a house of a family of Satanists. He imagines it dark and scary. He’s heard about the rituals of sacrificing animals and children. The drugs. The underground organizations, the gangs. He’s almost scared when Phil and him get out of the bus at Phil’s bus stop and walk the last meters. It comes as a surprise that Phil’s house looks like any other house on the street. 

“Are you disappointed there are no gravestones out front?“ Phil teases and Dan looks at him wide-eyed. “I know you’ve seen my Sigil of Baphomet that time at the bookstore and I know you’ve recognized it.“

“You’re a satanist.“

“My family and I belong to the Church of Satan, but we’re not part of those horrible cults they tell you horror stories about. We’re not worshipping the Christian notion of Satan. You should look it up on Wikipedia sometimes, it’s quite different from what the church makes you want to believe.“

Phil leads Dan through the small garden in front of the house and unlocks the front door. The inside of the house looks just like any other family home. There’s a faint note of vanilla scent in the air. It’s almost like Dan’s home, just without the crosses and pictures of saints and no smell of incense. 

“When you said they bullied you at your old school, was that because of your religion?“

“It was.“ And then Phil raises his voice, “Mum, we’re home.“

Dan meets Mrs. Lester and he immediately likes her. She has an apron tied around her waist and tells Dan to feel like home. 

The walls in Phil’s room are covered in band posters and his bookshelf is filled to the brim. Dan likes the chaos, a stark contrast to the neatness of his own room his mother insists on. A bit of dust caught on his shelves and his bed isn’t made. There’s a tv and a gaming console opposite his bed. It feels like a lived in place, not a museum where you aren’t allowed to touch the art. 

Dan lets his eyes wander over the books and DVD’s on Phil’s shelves and finds many Stephen King books there. 

“Want to join me?“ Phil asks and when Dan turns around he sees him sat on the edge of the bed, patting the spot next to him with a cheeky grin. Dan blushes and sits down next to him but leaves some space between them. 

“Do you want to play Mario Kart or something?“ 

Dan’s never played it before but he’s heard of it, and after Phil patiently explains to him which buttons to press on the controller - sitting a bit too close for Dan’s comfort making heat rise to his cheeks - Dan turns out to be pretty good at this game, even beating Phil at it once in a while which makes the other teen huff in frustration.

“You’ve lied when you said you didn’t play this before, right?“ 

“Lying is a sin,“ Dan mumbles.

“Are you trying to tell me that you’ve never lied before?“ Phil asks with curiosity and Dan ducks his head.

“I just don’t tell the entire truth.“

“You cheeky thing,“ Phil laughs and softly punches Dan’s arm. The place where his knuckles touch Dan’s clothed skin tingles for a long time.

___

Dan hasn’t really had a friend since kindergarten, but that’s what Phil is to him now. He’s a friend. He listens to Dan and he borrows him books and he understands that Dan can’t ask him over to his house without causing his parents a heart attack. He asks to copy Dan’s homework and he teases him about various things and he makes Dan smile and laugh genuinely for the first time in a while. 

He also makes the flowers on Dan’s legs appear like freckles on cheeks after the first sunny day of spring. 

It’s too cold to spend their lunchtime by the tree in the backyard now so they sit on the floor of a secluded hallway and Phil sneaks off to the toilets to have a smoke while Dan is left to ponder how one human could have turned his life upside-down like this. He used to sit all by himself in the library during lunch, and now he sneaks off with Phil Lester and waits for him to finish smoking in the school toilets, which is very much against the rules. It makes his heart race to do something forbidden, even if he’s technically not doing anything forbidden, he’s just waiting for someone who’s doing something forbidden. Or maybe his heart is just racing so fast because it’s Phil he gets to spend his lunch breaks with. 

Phil comes out of the toilets and sits down next to Dan, their backs against the wall. He smells like smoke and with a sigh he rests his head against Dan’s shoulder, making the other boy go rigid. 

“It sucks to smoke on the toilets. I hope winter’s over soon, I’d rather sit under a tree with you.“

Dan swallows nervously, only humming in agreement. He too prefers to sit outside than on the cold dirty floors of the school hallway. But he doesn’t know how to articulate those thoughts with Phil’s head on his shoulder like this, his black hair tickling his cheek.

Phil chuckles and Dan wants to look at him but he doesn’t dare move his head, or else he’d press his face even further into Phil’s soft hair. 

“It’s cute when you get all riled up like that just from a simple touch,“ Phil teases and Dan’s face turns bright red. Phil sits back up again and it should be easier to breathe, but it isn’t. Because now his hand is turning Dan’s face to look at him and his eyes are sparkling with mischief, and Dan’s known Phil for long enough to know that this look in his eyes can’t mean anything good. 

What are you doing, he wants to ask but he keeps silent.

“It makes me wonder-“ Phil starts, but he never finishes the sentence. 

Dan wonders what Phil wonders about, but then there are lips against his, soft but also urgent, and he no longer has to wonder anymore. He tastes smoke and he smells smoke and he feels Phil’s hand on his cheek and suddenly his entire world spins out of control. 

It’s a short kiss really. Not longer than a few seconds. Just lips to lips, innocent. But to Dan it feels like sin. It tastes like sin. It’s sin. And every inch of his body tingles and itches and his lips burn, and when Phil finally pulls back he grabs for his bag and gets up from the floor and runs away as fast as his legs can carry him. He can hear Phil calling after him but he doesn’t look back. 

Dan doesn’t go to school for a week and fakes being sick and he even convinces his parents to not let him go to church. They disapprove, but they leave him be. He can’t face Phil nor God. The memory of the kiss plays back in his head over and over again. He can’t stop thinking about it. And he can’t stop thinking about how he had liked it. 

There’s no place for new flowers on his thighs anymore, so Dan carves flowers above other flowers now, their petals overlapping. 

On Wednesday their door bell rings in the evening. Dan can hear it from where he’s lying in his bed under the blanket, staring at the blank wall next to his bed. He thinks it’s probably friends of his mother, but after a short time there’s a knock on the door and a voice coming from outside that makes him sit upright in bed.

“Dan? It’s me, Phil. I’m here to bring you your homework - and to apologize. Can I come in?“

Dan doesn’t dare answer. He bites his lips and shuffles around so that his back hits the wall, knees drawn to his chest and blanket covering him. 

There’s another knock on the door and a sigh. 

“Listen, I’m coming in now. You better not be naked.“

The door almost opens in slow motion, or at least that’s what it feels like to Dan, and then Phil is standing in his room, door behind him closed again, with an expression on his face that Dan isn’t familiar with yet. Is that - is that guilt?

“You look like I’m about to murder you,“ Phil jokes halfheartedly. He’s got some papers in his hands, Dan’s homework and notes from missed classes he supposes, that he discards on Dan’s desk. Then he walks over and sits down on the edge of Dan’s bed closest to him, and Dan stares at him with wide eyes, not knowing what might happen next. Will Phil lean over and kiss him again? The thought makes Dan swallow nervously, his tongue unconsciously peeking out to moisture his lips. 

“Listen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you, that was wrong of me. I know you’re very religious and I guess that in your eyes the only right relationship is a relationship between a man and a woman. I don’t agree with that, mostly because women don’t interest me at all and I believe that you love who you love, but it was wrong of me to just kiss you like that. I’m not apologizing for the teasing, because it’s cute how you get all riled up, but I’m really sorry about the kiss. I’m hoping we can still be friends?“

Dan doesn’t believe for a second that Phil might not be sincere.

“It’s okay.“ 

It’s really not, because Dan can’t stop thinking about the way Phil’s lips felt on his, the way they made him feel inside, but he can’t bring himself to say that. 

“Thanks,“ Phil’s smiling now, “also your mum almost didn’t let me into the house. Can she smell my religion or something?“

“I doubt that, but she can probably smell the smoke on your clothes, and unless you’re perfect you don’t get to set a foot into this house anyway.“

“To be honest I thought I might burst up in flames the second I enter.“

Dan swallows. “In that case I would have been burning long ago.“

He knows that he shouldn’t have said that, but the words just slipped out. Homosexuality is a sin, and Dan’s thoughts are those of a sinner. 

Phil studies him in silence before saying: “Anything you want to talk about?“

With a shake of his head Dan dismisses the topic. It’s something he can’t talk about. No one can know. Not his parents. Not Phil. It’s Dan’s secret alone. 

Phil leaves shortly after and once he’s gone, Dan’s fingers glide over where he was sat on the mattress, smoothing out the wrinkles Phil has left behind. Dan adds another flower to his collection that night.  
___

Dan returns to school the next day. The evening before that his mother asks him questions about Phil and tells him that she hopes he’s not often seeking out the presence of a person like him. Dan wonders what would happen if he told her that there’s more to Phil then what meets the eye, that he’s a member of the Church of Satan and gay, but he bites his tongue. 

It takes a bit of extra work to catch up with school, but within a week Dan is back on track and Phil is keeping his promise. He’s occasionally teasing Dan, but he usually refrains from touching the other boy now unless it’s a brief unconscious hand on the shoulder or a soft punch to the arm. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to make Dan’s heart race. 

As much as he wants to deny it, Dan’s attracted to Phil Lester. He’s the kind of boy his parents have always warned him about when he was younger and not even the flowers on his thighs as punishment can safe him from hell now. Dan comes to that conclusion when winter draws to an end. It’s a scary thought but Dan is tired of hiding from the truth. It’s what it is, Phil Lester is someone he has a crush on. It goes against everything he’s ever been taught in life, but he can’t change the way he feels. Although it’s disgusting. Although it’s a sin. Dan’s tired of these thoughts constantly taking up his mind, so tired.

They’re sitting under the tree again during lunch breaks although the grass is still damp and soaking into their trousers and it’s still not really warm outside. Dan watches Phil blow smoke into the air, can’t take his eyes off Phil’s lips. He knows what they feel like already, but he’d like to experience it again. The thought makes the skin on his thighs prickle, makes him feel every petal of every flower carved into his flesh. 

Phil puts out the cigarette in the ground and then throws the stump in the portable ashtray he takes with him wherever he goes before turning to Dan, whose eyes are still trained on Phil’s lips. 

“Everything okay?“

Dan blinks as those lips move and quickly looks back up to meet Phil’s eyes before looking away, cheeks coloured red not only from the cold now. 

“Y-yeah.“

“You know it’s cool with me if you kiss me, right?“

Ducking his head now, Dan feels like his face is on fire from all the blood rushing to it. 

“I know you’ve been taught that it’s wrong all your life, but I’ve also noticed the way you’ve looked at me before. There’s nothing wrong with liking boys, Dan. I like boys. Actually, I like you quite a lot. So if you want to, go ahead and kiss me. I won’t mind.“

Dan almost can’t hear the words over the blood rushing in his ears. It’s an offer. Phil is offering him a kiss. Something so forbidden. Something Dan wants to experience again so desperately. How can he possibly say yes to this? How can’t he possibly say yes to this? His heart is fluttering, his lungs struggling to breathe in air. 

And then he kisses Phil Lester for the second time.

It’s clumsy. It’s not much more than lips on lips, just like the first time. Unlike last time, Phil’s not reaching out to him. He’s keeping still but his lips are responsive. It doesn’t last long, and when it’s over a wave of emotions washes over Dan that he’s been trying to hold in for so long. The fear. The shame. The anger he feels for himself. The attraction he has for Phil. It’s all crashing down on him all at once and he starts to cry, doesn’t know how to stop the tears anymore. Phil’s moving now, resting Dan’s head against his shoulder so his face is hidden in Phil’s neck, arms wrapped tightly around his body to offer comfort. Dan’s too tired to care about the intimate gesture. He cries and cries, his tears soaking into Phil’s jacket that smells like smoke. 

It feels good to finally be able to cry, but once he’s calmed down enough Dan feels embarrassed again. It’s a feeling he’s come to associate with Phil, always flustered around the other boy. 

“I’m sorry,“ Dan mumbles as he wipes away the last tears and wishes he had a tissue to blow his nose.

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for,“ Phil reminds him gently, “there’s nothing wrong with you, no matter which gender you’re attracted to.“

Oh how Dan wishes he could believe Phil.  
___

Dan’s nervous. His palms are sweaty no matter how many times he wipes them on his jeans. He’s supposed to be at an event for teens organized by the church that lasts overnight, but instead he’s at Phil’s house, whose parents aren’t at home. 

It has been Phil’s idea. Of course it has been Phil’s idea and Dan thinks it’s horribly wrong to lie to his parents and pretend to be somewhere that he’s really not at, but on the other hand he didn’t want to say no. He’s never slept over at a friend’s place before, only at church camps with other people his age that he never really managed to connect with. 

If what you could call Phil is a friend. Dan doesn’t know what to call them but he’s sure that friends don’t kiss as much as they do. It’s started after the day by the tree, just some kisses here and there when they are alone that slowly turned into making out. The first time Phil had deepened the kiss, his tongue licking over Dan’s lips in a silent request, Dan had almost pulled away to run much like the first time. And every kiss on Dan’s lip or small pecks on his neck left behind a flower on his thighs at nighttime in the shower. He almost doesn’t feel the pain anymore, at least not while carving them into his skin. 

So yes, Dan’s nervous. Very much so. 

They are playing video games and the controller is shaking in Dan’s trembling hands. He’s losing almost every single game. Then Phil pauses and gets them something to drink and he returns with two bottles of beer in his hand.

“You need to loosen up a bit,“ he tells Dan as he offers him one of the bottles and Dan looks at it with caution. He’s never had alcohol before in his life. 

“I’m not going to make you drink it if you don’t want to,“ Phil adds as he notices Dan’s hesitation and that’s what makes Dan grab the bottle and immediately take a sip out of it. Phil’s right. He needs to calm down. What’s there to be nervous about playing video games with his friend?

Except for that his friend is someone he occasionally makes out with. And that they are home alone. 

The beer tastes bitter on Dan’s tongue. It’s disgusting and he pulls a face, but he takes another sip right after. Phil sits down next to him and drinks from his bottle as well. Then they resume the game. 

Dan feels like he’s floating on a cloud by the time he’s had the beer and two glasses of coke enhanced with whiskey. His speech is slightly slurred. Phil seems just fine. It’s kind of frustrating. They’ve abandoned games for an action movie that Dan’s not really interested in so he’s watching Phil instead, their backs resting against the headboard of the bed. 

“You’re staring at me.“ 

“You’re pretty.“

Phil laughs at that. “And you’re a lightweight.“

Dan pouts. It’s not his fault he’s never had alcohol before. But instead of answering, he’s leaning over to close the distance between them and kisses Phil. The other boy makes a surprised noise that makes Dan giggle against his lips, and then he pouts again because Phil backs away. 

“You’re drunk, Dan.“ 

He’s still close enough for Dan to feel Phil’s breath on his lips.

“So?“

“Are you sure you want to make out right now?“

Dan answers the question by closing the gap between them once more and this time Phil doesn’t pull away. Dan likes the feel of Phil’s lips on his. They are slightly chapped but soft, and he shudders as Phil deepens the kiss, his tongue piercing gracing against Dan’s upper lip. Hands are wandering down his body as Dan’s own travel up Phil’s torso. He doesn’t know how it happens, but then he’s suddenly on his back and Phil is on top of him and he’s feeling so hot, everything’s so hot, and his groin feels so hot-

Dan stills. He’s hard. He’s hard and his erection is straining against his jeans and pressing against Phil’s hips, and surely Phil can feel it and now that he’s focusing on it he can feel Phil’s erection press right back and what’s he supposed to do now? This hasn’t happened before? And somehow the room is spinning?

Phil has now started to pepper kisses from the curve of Dan’s neck up to his ear, where he nibbles on Dan’s earlobe before whispering in a low voice that makes Dan shiver: “We can stop if you want to, but we can also continue.“ 

He grinds his hips against Dan’s and makes the younger boy’s breath hitch at the friction. 

“Can I blow you, Dan? Want to stretch my lips around your cock and suck you off so bad, make you forget everything. Make you lose your mind.“

Dan whines and he nods frantically. Somewhere in the back of his mind something tells him that this is wrong, so so wrong, but the voices in his head are drowned out by the heat in his body. 

Phil’s fingers start to unbutton the shirt he’s wearing and he’s trailing his lips down Dan’s body, swirling his tongue around Dan’s nipples and making the other boy choke on a moan. Dan never knew that having his nipples touched could feel like this and he throws his head back into the pillow when Phil lays a hand over his erection and rubs at it, even the touch through fabric sending jolts of electricity through his entire body. He doesn’t even hear Phil chuckling lowly, too lost in what he’s feeling. 

Fingers start to unbuckle his belt and then unbutton his jeans before opening the zip. 

“Lift your hips for me?“

Something inside him tells Dan that this is wrong for more than just one reason, but he can’t bring himself to care anymore. The alcohol cursing through his veins. The high of the kind of pleasure he’s feeling, something he’s never experienced before. Dan lifts his hips and feels the fabric of his jeans slide over his skin before it’s exposed. He’s too lost to notice Phil’s choked sound and only when Phil says his name loudly, almost desperately, does he snap out of this haze he’s in.

And suddenly he remembers why what he was doing was so terribly wrong. 

Phil’s kneeling on the mattress, his eyes on Dan’s thighs. Dan’s trying to grab a blanket to cover himself up, but Phil’s quick enough to hold his wrists to stop him from doing so and turns them as if expecting to see scars there as well. 

“Dan?“

His voice is breaking at the end of Dan’s name and Dan can feel tears of humiliation burn in the corners of his eyes. He sniffles and then his eyes meet Phil’s, Phil’s who look shocked and guilt-ridden and pained, and he can’t hold back the tears anymore.

“I’m sorry,“ he sobs. 

“Dan, why?“

Dan doesn’t answer. He shakes his head and tries to hide his face, but Phil still holds his wrist and Dan doesn’t know where to hide. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself?“ 

“Because I’m a sinner.“

The words spill over his lips before he can stop them.

“I’m going to go to hell and I need to be punished for my sins.“

And then Phil starts sobbing as well, and he’s releasing Dan’s wrists to hug him tight, his fingers carding through Dan’s hair as he shakes his head.

“You’re not a sinner, Dan.“ 

They talk that night. They talk about how Dan feels and why he does what he does, and Phil feels so guilty for being the cause for all the scars on Dan’s legs that when Dan falls asleep on his bed way past midnight, he goes outside to smoke and ends up punching the wall of his house hard enough to make his knuckles bleed. Then he goes back inside and wraps Dan in his blanket before grabbing some pillows and a blanket from the couch for himself and making a bed on the floor next to where Dan lies on the mattress.  
___ 

It’s hard to stop hurting himself, but Dan has promised Phil and he tries to keep his promise. Phil buys him a colouring book with flower patterns and asks him to colour one in every time Dan wants to hurt himself. The first few pages of the book are filled in quickly, and sometimes Dan slips up and grows flowers on his thighs instead, but he’s trying hard. He really is.

A month after that night at Phil’s place, Dan and Phil start dating. They don’t tell anyone, but they hold hands when they’re alone and text each other silly things like “I miss you“. Dan deletes those messages right after he reads them because he’s scared of his parents finding out, but just thinking about them makes him smile. 

As time passes by, it becomes easier to substitute the flowers on his legs for flowers on paper. When he slips up the first time after they’ve had sex and carves five flowers into his legs in Phil’s shower while his boyfriend is in the next room, he genuinely hates himself. But then he cries and he confesses to Phil, and Phil holds him close and promises him that it’s okay. That Dan isn’t dirty and wrong and a sinner, and that he deserves to receive love and deserves to love whoever he wants. 

Dan comes out to his parents the day he moves out. He’s just graduated and Phil and him will move in together in a small flat in a big city to attend university. They’ve both worked hard to afford rent for a small one-bedroom flat with an even smaller balcony. His mother is crying. His father is screaming at him that he’s going to go to hell. Dan knows now that his father isn’t right, but he still cries and adds a flower to his left thigh that night. He’s never heard of his parents after that day, but his younger brother keeps in touch with him.  
___

“Are you okay?“

“You should be asleep by now.“

“So should you.“

Dan turns around and gives Phil a weak smile, fingertips grazing over silky petals. They are slightly trembling - his fingers, not the petals - as Dan shrugs his shoulders to answer Phil’s question. 

He’s sitting on the floor cross-legged in front of their little collection of flowers and Phil joins him. It’s one of those nights that Dan still struggles with his past. Maybe it’s because they went to a gay bar tonight. Maybe it’s because self-harm is the kind of addiction that’s hard to really overcome. It’s much like smoking, so hard to get away from once you’ve started. Sometimes Phil’s fingers twitch as well when he’s stressed and he finds himself longing for a smoke, so he understands the way Dan feels. And whenever Dan relapses, which to Phil’s relief doesn’t happen often anymore, Phil is there to catch him and to remind him that he’s worth so much, and that who he loves doesn’t make him a bad person, and that Phil loves him.

Dan grabs for Phil’s left arm to start tracing the tattoos covering it. They are flowers in all shapes, colours and sizes. One flower on Phil's arm for every flower on his fiancé’s thighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic. I definitely had fun writing it. :) x


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